- Paul (1 Corinthians 13:10-12)
Leaving behind my religious upbringing was a very difficult thing. It did not come easily or without painful struggle. I don't encourage others to take leave religion if they are not ready for the consequences. The realization that everything you have ever believed in was a lie is horrifying at first and not something I would recommend to the faint of heart. You must be open to the possibility, much like Descartes, that everything you know may be wrong before you can really know the truth about your preconceptions.
While it was painful to realize that god is not real, I do not regret this understanding. Relying on science, facts, and reason is much more comforting than myths and emotion. Being free to doubt and question allows me to begin understanding the true wonders of our existence. I feel freed from fear of the unknown and filled with excitement at the future progress of knowledge and humanity.
I remember being afraid of the dark when I believed in god (and the mysticism that comes with theistic religion). The dark could contain all sorts of things, like ghosts, monsters, and devils. Having a firm trust in logic makes it possible to understand that there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light.
Believing our fears and anxieties indicate something real about the world leads to unhappiness. Trusting in logic and reason allow me to see the world more clearly, like putting on glasses for the first time. It is difficult to tell the difference sometimes, but well worth the effort.
Growing Up Mormon
I was raised in a loving, but very conservatively Mormon, family near Salt Lake City, Utah. My family has belonged to the Mormon Church almost since it's foundation in the mid-1800's. In fact I am directly related to Joseph Smith's first cousin, Jessie Smith. Not only was my family and religion Mormon, but the culture in Salt Lake also has a large Mormon influence. Growing up, there was no shortage of social pressures be a good Mormon boy.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been interested in religion and science. Science seemed like a way to understand how God really performed miracles. As a child I used to imagine what Moses' followers must have seen when the Reed Sea was parted. I always wondered why they would rebel against God after seeing something like that. Movies such as, Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments, show this miracle happening very quickly, but I felt like in reality it may have taken a long time for the water to lower enough so they could cross. To me that didn't make it any less of a miracle, but made it more understandable why people may not have been able to see God's hand in it.
My interest in combining the stories of the scriptures with the facts of science continued through my teenage years. I remember sitting on the floor of my room with the Bible an encyclopedia article on the creation of the solar system. I imagined that Moses was shown a vision of what the creation of the Earth looked like from the perspective of someone standing on the surface of the planet. This would explain why he saw the heaven and earth created before there was light. (Or perhaps the light from the stars was not visible from his perspective, and the ignition of fusion in the sun didn't happen until much of the matter which became the earth had already formed.)
My curiosity about the history of religion lead me to stumble upon information about Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, which the Mormon church does not talk openly about. I spoke to my bishop (the leader of a Mormon congregation) about what I had read and the doubts this raised with me. He seemed distressingly unconcerned. His only answer was that Smith still may have been "inspired" even if the facts of his story weren't all true.
This was not very comforting to me, yet surprisingly I did not choose to leave the church at the time. Mormon and Christian apologetic writings, like those of C.S. Lewis, were helpful for awhile. I continued attending church and seminary school with the hope that even if things didn't actually happen like Joseph Smith said they did, perhaps the general ideas of Mormonism and the Book of Mormon were true. If not, I still believed strongly in Jesus and the core Christian concepts I had been taught in Mormonism.
I later went on to serve a Mormon mission to Alabama. As preparation I attended the temple for the first time. It was a shock to me, as there is so much secrecy about what goes on in the temple, and I was disappointed how ritualistic, and seemingly unrelated to Christianity, it all was.
During my missionary studies, further doubts about Joseph Smith's story occurred to me. I again spoke to my mission president about my concerns, and was again surprised how little concern they caused. My honest questions received quick dismissal, but yet no direct response.
After noticing so many holes in Joseph's story by the time I came home from my mission I had to admit that I did not believe in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon. I still HOPED they could be true for awhile longer. My desire to serve the Jesus I loved on a mission for his church had instead left me with less faith, more doubts, and a bad taste in my mouth about the hope of finding any real answers.
A Leap of Doubt
The final straw began with my desperate prayers about personal struggles I was going through. When my prayers were not answered, I felt betrayed. I had always been taught that God would answer prayers. This is something Jesus himself promised: "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (Luke 11:9-10)
The two years of my life I spent on a Mormon mission served to increase my bitterness. Why was I able to show such commitment and sacrifice despite having so many doubts and yet God couldn't even keep his own promises? This caused me to question why I had put myself through all this heartache for a God who doesn't give what he promises. What other promises were false?
I was raised in a loving, but very conservatively Mormon, family near Salt Lake City, Utah. My family has belonged to the Mormon Church almost since it's foundation in the mid-1800's. In fact I am directly related to Joseph Smith's first cousin, Jessie Smith. Not only was my family and religion Mormon, but the culture in Salt Lake also has a large Mormon influence. Growing up, there was no shortage of social pressures be a good Mormon boy.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been interested in religion and science. Science seemed like a way to understand how God really performed miracles. As a child I used to imagine what Moses' followers must have seen when the Reed Sea was parted. I always wondered why they would rebel against God after seeing something like that. Movies such as, Cecil B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments, show this miracle happening very quickly, but I felt like in reality it may have taken a long time for the water to lower enough so they could cross. To me that didn't make it any less of a miracle, but made it more understandable why people may not have been able to see God's hand in it.
My interest in combining the stories of the scriptures with the facts of science continued through my teenage years. I remember sitting on the floor of my room with the Bible an encyclopedia article on the creation of the solar system. I imagined that Moses was shown a vision of what the creation of the Earth looked like from the perspective of someone standing on the surface of the planet. This would explain why he saw the heaven and earth created before there was light. (Or perhaps the light from the stars was not visible from his perspective, and the ignition of fusion in the sun didn't happen until much of the matter which became the earth had already formed.)
My curiosity about the history of religion lead me to stumble upon information about Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, which the Mormon church does not talk openly about. I spoke to my bishop (the leader of a Mormon congregation) about what I had read and the doubts this raised with me. He seemed distressingly unconcerned. His only answer was that Smith still may have been "inspired" even if the facts of his story weren't all true.
This was not very comforting to me, yet surprisingly I did not choose to leave the church at the time. Mormon and Christian apologetic writings, like those of C.S. Lewis, were helpful for awhile. I continued attending church and seminary school with the hope that even if things didn't actually happen like Joseph Smith said they did, perhaps the general ideas of Mormonism and the Book of Mormon were true. If not, I still believed strongly in Jesus and the core Christian concepts I had been taught in Mormonism.
I later went on to serve a Mormon mission to Alabama. As preparation I attended the temple for the first time. It was a shock to me, as there is so much secrecy about what goes on in the temple, and I was disappointed how ritualistic, and seemingly unrelated to Christianity, it all was.
During my missionary studies, further doubts about Joseph Smith's story occurred to me. I again spoke to my mission president about my concerns, and was again surprised how little concern they caused. My honest questions received quick dismissal, but yet no direct response.
After noticing so many holes in Joseph's story by the time I came home from my mission I had to admit that I did not believe in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon. I still HOPED they could be true for awhile longer. My desire to serve the Jesus I loved on a mission for his church had instead left me with less faith, more doubts, and a bad taste in my mouth about the hope of finding any real answers.
A Leap of Doubt
The final straw began with my desperate prayers about personal struggles I was going through. When my prayers were not answered, I felt betrayed. I had always been taught that God would answer prayers. This is something Jesus himself promised: "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." (Luke 11:9-10)
The two years of my life I spent on a Mormon mission served to increase my bitterness. Why was I able to show such commitment and sacrifice despite having so many doubts and yet God couldn't even keep his own promises? This caused me to question why I had put myself through all this heartache for a God who doesn't give what he promises. What other promises were false?
This was the first time I allowed myself to entertain the possibly God may not exist. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I would rather that there be no God, than there be an all-powerful God who stood idly by while people prayed to him every day and he took no action.
This issue I had stumbled upon is actually a very well known issue in religion called "the problem of evil" Basically it is the premise that a problem arrises when you propose an all-powerful (omnipotent) God who is also purely good. An all-powerful God MUST, by either commission or omission, allow evil acts to occur, because supposedly he has the power to stop them if he wishes. This implicates God as a accessory, if not an instigator, of evil himself. A god guilty of being complicate with evil acts is, by necessity, not fully good.
An interesting thing happened when I accepted that God was a myth. All the pain and sorrow I had gone through in my life made much more sense. All the disappointment and bitterness caused by unanswered prayers disappeared in an instant. God didn't sit on his throne doing nothing, there was never anyone there who had power to help me in the first place.
After realizing god was not there to pray to I began to look for how I could solve my own problems myself, or with help from other people. I looked for answers on how the brain works and how we process and deal with emotions and thoughts. Modern psychology approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, have many more concrete answers for how our thoughts and emotions work. Mindfulness and meditative technique are much more effective and calming than prayer ever was.
Final Prayer
The last time I prayed was August of 2003 at Mormon Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I had just finished watching a movie about Jesus visiting the Native American Indians after his resurrection. I had seen it before and it had struck me as a very moving. This time I could not help but be slightly disgusted at the fictional story of someone's prayer being answered and faith being rewarded. I realized I couldn't deny that God was a myth any longer and I said one final prayer to say goodbye.
I told God that if he really was there, and could read my thoughts, he would know how sincerely I believed, how much I had sacrificed, how honestly I served him, and how painful it was for me to see the fatal flaws in theism. I told him that this would be the final time I would pray, but that I would always keep an open mind for him to show me something I may have missed or misunderstood. That if he every wanted to show himself to me, I would be happy to follow him.
I have tried to keep the promise to keep an open mind, more to myself at this point. I am aware it can seem arrogant for me to claim to know that god is not real. This implies that billions of people around the world are somehow wrong in their idea that god is real. I try to keep an open mind, that there may be something that they are seeing, that I haven't seen. That I am missing something. So far, I have not seen anything convincing.
I do believe that if there is a god he would know my mind and know I have tried to be a good man and that he would understand my reasons for not believing and would forgive me if I turn out to be mistaken somehow.
After that final "amen" I never prayed again. I was tempted many times, but the understanding that I had always gotten through things in the past on my own and that I could get through whatever trial I was currently facing always helped me make the decision to not pray.
Conclusion
It is important to live our lives the best we can, and not worry about pleasing or impressing a god who possibly may exist but definitively chooses to stay hidden from us. When we don't rely on God to solve our problems we find our own answers.
The secularism of the scientific age has brought more miracles to humanity than in all the religious books of any theistic religion. Blind people have their sight cured every day with contacts and eyeglasses. Diseases which have plagued humanity for thousands of years are now treatable or have even to the complete eradication of smallpox. Astronomy and biology have given us more detail and insight into the origin of the universe, life on our planet, and the human species than anyone could have imagined less than 500 years ago.
In the Bible Jesus gives an excellent way to judge the truth or falseness of prophets:
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits...every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit...Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." (Matthew 7:15-20)
Does theism, for all it's promises of miracles, morality, and blessings really deliver "good fruit"? Or is it science, medicine, and technology which are improving our lives, advancing humanity, and giving a true "good fruit"?
This is a question we should all ask ourselves. I am confident that honest and thoughtful people will conclude, as I have, that religion has served it's purpose in history, and history is where it belongs. It is time to put away childish things and embrace logic, reason, and science in everyday life as well as making important decisions about our country,our world, and the future of the human race.
This issue I had stumbled upon is actually a very well known issue in religion called "the problem of evil" Basically it is the premise that a problem arrises when you propose an all-powerful (omnipotent) God who is also purely good. An all-powerful God MUST, by either commission or omission, allow evil acts to occur, because supposedly he has the power to stop them if he wishes. This implicates God as a accessory, if not an instigator, of evil himself. A god guilty of being complicate with evil acts is, by necessity, not fully good.
An interesting thing happened when I accepted that God was a myth. All the pain and sorrow I had gone through in my life made much more sense. All the disappointment and bitterness caused by unanswered prayers disappeared in an instant. God didn't sit on his throne doing nothing, there was never anyone there who had power to help me in the first place.
After realizing god was not there to pray to I began to look for how I could solve my own problems myself, or with help from other people. I looked for answers on how the brain works and how we process and deal with emotions and thoughts. Modern psychology approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, have many more concrete answers for how our thoughts and emotions work. Mindfulness and meditative technique are much more effective and calming than prayer ever was.
Final Prayer
The last time I prayed was August of 2003 at Mormon Temple Square in Salt Lake City. I had just finished watching a movie about Jesus visiting the Native American Indians after his resurrection. I had seen it before and it had struck me as a very moving. This time I could not help but be slightly disgusted at the fictional story of someone's prayer being answered and faith being rewarded. I realized I couldn't deny that God was a myth any longer and I said one final prayer to say goodbye.
I told God that if he really was there, and could read my thoughts, he would know how sincerely I believed, how much I had sacrificed, how honestly I served him, and how painful it was for me to see the fatal flaws in theism. I told him that this would be the final time I would pray, but that I would always keep an open mind for him to show me something I may have missed or misunderstood. That if he every wanted to show himself to me, I would be happy to follow him.
I have tried to keep the promise to keep an open mind, more to myself at this point. I am aware it can seem arrogant for me to claim to know that god is not real. This implies that billions of people around the world are somehow wrong in their idea that god is real. I try to keep an open mind, that there may be something that they are seeing, that I haven't seen. That I am missing something. So far, I have not seen anything convincing.
I do believe that if there is a god he would know my mind and know I have tried to be a good man and that he would understand my reasons for not believing and would forgive me if I turn out to be mistaken somehow.
After that final "amen" I never prayed again. I was tempted many times, but the understanding that I had always gotten through things in the past on my own and that I could get through whatever trial I was currently facing always helped me make the decision to not pray.
Conclusion
It is important to live our lives the best we can, and not worry about pleasing or impressing a god who possibly may exist but definitively chooses to stay hidden from us. When we don't rely on God to solve our problems we find our own answers.
The secularism of the scientific age has brought more miracles to humanity than in all the religious books of any theistic religion. Blind people have their sight cured every day with contacts and eyeglasses. Diseases which have plagued humanity for thousands of years are now treatable or have even to the complete eradication of smallpox. Astronomy and biology have given us more detail and insight into the origin of the universe, life on our planet, and the human species than anyone could have imagined less than 500 years ago.
In the Bible Jesus gives an excellent way to judge the truth or falseness of prophets:
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits...every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit...Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." (Matthew 7:15-20)
Does theism, for all it's promises of miracles, morality, and blessings really deliver "good fruit"? Or is it science, medicine, and technology which are improving our lives, advancing humanity, and giving a true "good fruit"?
This is a question we should all ask ourselves. I am confident that honest and thoughtful people will conclude, as I have, that religion has served it's purpose in history, and history is where it belongs. It is time to put away childish things and embrace logic, reason, and science in everyday life as well as making important decisions about our country,our world, and the future of the human race.
Thank you for sharing more of the reasons behind your choices. I too would question and compare religion and logic. Not having grown up in the church it was not as hard for me to come to the conclusions that I have. Much like when I found out about "Santa". I felt that I already knew that he did not exist, but not knowing for sure keeps some hope that he does. It is nice to see some like minded opinions. Good luck with the negativity you may recieve from all this.
ReplyDeleteAmy Frank
Thanks, Amy. I actually think it is a LOT like finding out about Santa (in fact I have a post I'm working on about that exact subject). It's interesting how much people WANT to believe in something magical, but also how we have this desire recapture that feeling through the beliefs of others.
DeleteI know some religious people who actually feel their faith in god (and that of others) is needed by god to EXIST! Which is ironic because that's what I think too.
“It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”
ReplyDelete—Carl Sagan
Reading the second paragraph immediately sprang the above quote to mind.
Timetable-wise, it looks like you and I lost belief right around the same time. It was good to read your "conversion" story. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for that Carl Sagan quote, Mathew. I love Carl Sagan.
DeleteI would love to hear your story some day too. You still living in Utah? If so, maybe we should grab a drink when I come to visit next. :)
This post is really well written Sweetie... as for the hot-blooded debate you started among your facebook followers, not so much. But that is the risk of putting it out there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback on it before I posted it, Sweet Pea. :)
DeleteYeah, it's always hard to talk about something nicely when you strongly believe in the opposite of what people are saying, but I think it's important to talk about. Although it's definitely good to have a time out when emotions start getting overheated.
Not that I would ever act like that myself of course! ; )
This reminds me of my own experiences. I came home from my mission and had so many questions. I was tired of sitting in the gospel doctrine class of the singles ward (with 95% returned missionaries) and they were still giving the same responses to the questions that they gave in primary. No one was willing to open the debate of certain topics. I would go to the temple and talk to the temple workers. I would sit in the celestial room pondering all things and since I was in the temple why not ask about things that take place in the temple. Not even the temple president could or would answer my questions. I did more research on my own and finally left at the beginning of 2001.
ReplyDeleteSeeing the response of this on Facebook, it makes me sad that there are those still in the church who defend their own beliefs with such anger and animosity towards those who no longer think like them. So much for 'being christlike. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that what ever people want to think to make their life easier (nee bearable) then what right do I have to tell them otherwise. Live and let live, I guess. It took years for my family to finally accept my decision and realize that I'm still a good person. Sadly, I've wasted too much time being angry at my family, the church, former leaders, for all the lies I've been told throughout my life.
Thank you for posting this. (I saw it through my 'Timeline Ticker' on Facebook via Jordan Whitney). I think there are even more of us that went to MHS that have been through this process, going through it now, or may in the future that needed to see this and know they aren't alone.
Thank you for sharing your story, Graham. It's good to hear we have had similar experiences. I was also very frustrated to see people with such a simplified concept of the history of Mormonism and the complexities of theology in the singles ward. It was discouraging to see those same people stand up in testimony meeting and say "I know the church is true!" What they really meant is, "I feel it is true" or "I hope it is true" or (cynically) "I feel socially pressured to get up here and say it is true but I really have no idea."
DeleteIt is frustrating when Christian people act like the human beings they are rather than living up to the mythological standards they claim to believe in. On the other hand they can just ask for forgiveness for anything they do wrong so I'm not sure why "Christian" means virtuous. Many Christians, especially Mormons, feel so much guilt and shame about themselves because so many things are labeled "sins," no wonder they feel they would be lost without a savior.
I'm sorry to hear that your family was not supportive when you left the church. I feel very lucky that the first friend who I told (a Mormon) was very accepting of me. My family was also very kind when I left. My father's concern was that I didn't go "anti" and my mom's wanted to know if she could continue to pray for me. I guess you could say that this blog of mine is me being "anti" but I don't really bear the Mormon church any more ill will than any other theology, less so than many. I'm glad I wasn't raised in a Christian Science home or a Jehovah's Witness family. I don't talk about my beliefs to my family and they don't preach at me so it works out.
I'm glad I am free of a lot of the guilt and anger I had when I was a theist. I still carry around a lot of baggage, (obviously) but talking about it helps. I hope you are feeling happier where you are now. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.